Here is my story, please consider it for your website so that women who think abortion is a good option may rethink their choices.

I have always thought myself pro-choice and thought the pro-lifers were wrong. But after my first and only abortion 9 weeks ago, I have an entirely different view. My story is strange because for more than a year, my spouse and I were trying to get pregnant. Our only child, now 3, was born 7 weeks early and even though we knew there were risks, we so wanted just one more baby. But, when infertility treatment got more serious, we consulted with a specialist who said we had an 80-90% chance of only getting to 33 weeks again. We stopped infertility treatment and stupidly didn't use any birth control. I was amazed to be pregnant and very afraid. My husband and I went back and forth, trying to decide what was best. I even backed out of my first abortion appointment but 1 week later went ahead. I never knew how terrible a choice that would be.

The procedure was much more painful than the clinic said, I was practically screaming, nothing has ever hurt so much. Even a friend who had an abortion a few years ago said "it was like going to the dentist". what a lie that was and I am not friends with her anymore. This is the worst thing a person can choose to do, I willingly killed my baby. She wasn't' taken from me, I ended her life. Because of the complications and early birth of my toddler, I missed out on all the fun and wonderful parts of being a new mother. Our baby spent 22 long days in NICU. We were so afraid of an even earlier birth and a baby with possible life-long problems. But, our regrets now are...well, there is no word to describe it. I would have taken that baby no matter what their problems may have been. I was trying to not be selfish even though I very much wanted to recapture what I had lost before. I freely walked into the clinic again, my spouse was there but said nothing. He admitted to me 1 week later about his doubts, I was just shattered and our marriage is in serious trouble.

I have taken a life. I miss my child every day and am very angry at my spouse and of course myself. Why is this a horrible secret that women keep from telling each other? I have nightmares about dead babies and then I wake up and face the real horror that I chose. Abortion is not an answer. I do not think I can ever forgive myself. If you find yourself in this position, please consider every possible alternative. Look to every reasonable source possible for moral or even financial support. I didn't think it was possible to feel so much pain and grief, knowing I let my precious baby's life be ended. And I will never stop asking myself.....why didn't I make a different decision.

Cynthia

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