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21 and Wishing She Had Chosen Adoption

I would like to share my story of abortion in hopes it will deter someone from having and abortion and I hopes it will help relieve my guilt.

I am 21 years old, happily married and planning my first child with my husband. However when I was 18, just 3 short years ago, I was dating the son of a man who was very much involved with our community, getting ready to graduate and go off to college. I cheated on my boyfriend while I was on a vacation….a one night stand. I got back from my vacation knowing I had violated my relationship with my boyfriend but to make it worse I found out I was pregnant. At first I was thinking of all the ways to keep the baby even though it would change my entire life I was willing to own up to my actions.

Then one night at 3am my best friend who knew about the pregnancy called me hysterically and reminded me that only a month before we had our MMR shots for college. See when you go to college you have to have all your shots up to date and with the MMR shot you are not suppose to get pregnant within 3 months of having it because of severe birth defects. Well after instantaneous tears and what I thought was a moment of hell became a life time of hell. I scheduled an abortion.

Because my boyfriend knew I had slept with him and the other guy he would only pay for half the abortion. I had to prove to the other guy I was pregnant before he would send me his part of the “abortion money”. That about ripped my heart out…it was like advertising my abortion and immaturity. I got the money got to the clinic for the abortion and then the whole situation went from bad to worse.

Outside the clinic were protestors! There were guards who came to the truck to get me and escort me in! It was a big sign from God saying “no, don’t do it!”. I tried to back out several times but I didn’t.

I took the medicine they gave me to relax but I threw it back up because I was so nervous. The procedure hurt like hell, I cried and stared at the walls and ceiling. The sound is something I will never forget. The worse part came later though. I went into the recovery room and was in a lot of pain…they gave me more pain medicine and brought in my boyfriend. He carried me to the truck and I fell asleep. When I got home I was “ok”. The first 2 days after the abortion I was “ok” but then the 3rd day hit and at 3am I started cramping severely and I couldn’t walk, move anything. My boyfriend called his mom, called the hotline for the clinic. I was taking 4 Tylenol every 2 hours. Nothing helped – I still today this day remember the excruciating pain.

I thought God was punishing me by killing me!!! I got through it and went off to college and found my husband. He knows the whole “story” and he is always there for me when I cry about the abortion. Lately I’ve been crying because we want to have a child and I keep thinking about when I tell the Dr. it’s my second child. That is a painful thought, I think about the fact that I killed my first child! Everyone tries to ease the pain by saying I “had” to have the abortion or I would have had a severely deformed and mentally retarded child but who knows those statistics for MMR shots could have been wrong! I could have been carrying a perfectly normal child! I still have tremendous guilt and always will. So if you are considering it….don’t do it. I could have lived without college, I could have gone later in life. I didn’t have to kill an innocent child to make my life easier.

Abortion is not easier. What would have been easier would have been adoption. At least then the child would have had a chance.

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