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If you are reading this, it means you are considering an abortion, and that you want some more information, and that’s smart because there are some things you should know before you make your decision.

Don’t count on the staff at the abortion clinic to help you make this choice; they aren’t there to help you. The reason they are in this business is to make money and I know this is true because the very first thing I had to do there was to pay them $300, cash, before I even talked to the counselor or met the doctor.

I had some blood drawn and then I was sent to the room with another girl where we watched the video which explained the procedure as they like to call it. You see, they don’t like to use the word “abortion” at an abortion center. Kind of ironic, isn’t it?

The video made abortion seem like a quick and easy solution to a problem pregnancy and the message it put across was that you could take care of your problem and walk out of there, carefree.

Now I hadn’t talked to anyone about my pregnancy so I was very glad to hear I would be talking to a counselor. I wasn’t sure I wanted to have an abortion, but I was so frightened at the prospect of becoming a parent. You see, I didn’t realize I already was a parent.

When I told the counselor I was firghtened and nervous, she told me that was normal, that she gets frightened before she has a pap smear. She  didn’t spend anytime with me to find out why I had decided to abort. She didn’t ask me if I’d considered other options, or if I had even spoken to anyone else. You see, she wasn’t interested in any of this; she was only interested in getting me to sign the consent form.

After I talked to her, the doctor gave me a physical exam. He put a device called a laminaria inside of me. The laminaria absorbs fluid and puts pressure on the cervix to open it, so the doctor can enter the womb [uterus] to perform the abortion.

When I had called the center to make my appointment, no one mentioned that this would happen. This started the abortion. After the exam, the nurse gave me a tranquilizer to take before I returned in the afternoon for the abortion and I took the tranquilizer, but it didn’t do anything to calm me down.

That afternoon, I was having even more doubts than before. The atmosphere in the waiting room was so much different: the silence seemed to hang in the air. They sent me into a different room where I got undressed and then the counselor I had talked to earlier came in and took out the laminaria and she began to arrange the instruments which the doctor was going to be using.

I was never asked if I wanted to change my mind. The fact is, I wanted to leave, but I thought I was already in too deep that it was just too late to back out.

The doctor and another nurse came into the room and they brought the machine with them. As the doctor began to insert the tube inside me, I laid on the table and cried, and nobody asked me what was wrong, or if I wanted to change my mind. Nobody was interested in that.

Then the machine was turned onl It made a loud gurgling sound; and I felt the pressure inside me as the abortion started. I’ll never forget the way that it felt: I sensed that my baby was clinging to me, trying to stay in that safe place that it had come to know. But in the end, the machine won and I could feel the baby being pulled from inside me.

The doctor coached me along as if he were delivering a baby. It was the most horrible experience I’ve had in my life. When it was over, the doctor left the room to piece the baby back together; he had to be sure he’d gotten all of it. Then the nurse cleaned me up because I was bleeding heavily. She told me I could get dressed and leave whenever I felt ready.

I was left alone in the room, crying and shaking all over. I cried because I felt so empty inside and I knew I had done a terrible thing. The baby that had been alive and was growing inside me was now torn to pieces and being put together in another room. I hated myself!

The abortion took place a little over 4 months ago and since then, I’ve had a really hard time. I have horrible nightmares and I just don’t feel like doing much of anything.

I wonder about that baby all the time, whether it was a boy or a girl, and I cry because I never know. And I’ll never get to hold that baby, my baby. I’ve thought of suicide many times. So you see, abortion isn’t such an easy solution. It only makes a multitude of other problems.

I know you’re probably afraid, and being pregnant seems like an insurmountable problem; but there are many groups and people near you, just waiting to help. This has been difficult for me to write; but I’m doing it because I don’t want you to suffer as I have. Please talk to someone about this. I really wish that I had…

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