One Woman's Story of Rape, Unwanted Abortion, Acceptance and Healing
In this excerpt from The Jericho Plan, one woman shares her story of coerced abortion after rape and how she is healing from the pain of this experience.
In 1973 I became pregnant from a date rape. I had tried to hide it from my parents, but of course they found out. Then the pressure started. “How are you going to go to college with a baby?” “How are you going to support it?” “It is only a blob of blood. It’s not a baby yet.”
Before I had time to think about what I wanted, the abortion was over.
The abortion itself was like a living hell. I thought my guts were being pulled out. It was degrading, and I was terrified. When it was over, something made me ask the doctor, “Was it a boy or a girl?” He answered, “I can’t tell. It’s in pieces.” The counseling consisted of throwing some birth control pills at me.
It’s so hard to put into words how the abortion affected me. Looking back and knowing what I know now, I realize that I was going through almost classic post-abortion syndrome. I slept with anyone and everyone. I engaged in unprotected sex, and each month when I wasn’t pregnant, I would go into a deep depression. I was rebellious. I wanted my parents to see what I had become. I dropped out of college.
I tried suicide, but I didn’t have the guts to slit my wrists or blow my brains out. I couldn’t get my hands on sleeping pills, so I resorted to over-the-counter sleep aids and booze.
When that failed, I then tried to make relationships work with men, any man. I was driven with a need to have a child and knew if I was married my parents couldn’t do anything about it. Then I married. While my husband and I are still together, we have had to work extra hard because I married him for all the wrong reasons.
Five months after we were married, my first child was born. I was in heaven. I doted on that baby.
In three months, I was pregnant again. But this time, we lost our baby at six months. Then the depression that I had conquered came back full force. I can remember thinking, “I deserve this pain. I killed a baby and now God has taken one from me. I deserve it.” The doctor said that I had a weak cervix, a common aftereffect of abortion, and that the weight of the baby was too much for it and she just fell out. Four months later I was pregnant again.
It is hard to explain this need to keep having babies, but I did…
[To read remainder of the story, visit http://www.theunchoice.com/UnChoiceStories/rapecoercion.htm ]
[Excerpted from The Jericho Plan — http://www.theunchoice.com/jerichoplan.htm ]
Find Pregnancy and Post-Abortion Help
For information on finding help and healing after abortion, visit our healing page http://www.theunchoice.com/healing.htm
Links to resources to help pregnant women and girls can be found on our pregnancy help page, http://www.theunchoice.com/pregnancyhelp.htm
12 Ways to Help
For research, news and commentary
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World's largest online bibliography of studies on the effects of abortion
If you are struggling after abortion:
HealingAfter.com – search by zip code
Abortion Recovery International
Rachel's Vineyard Ministries
National Helpline for Abortion Recovery
If you are pregnant and need help:
This group also offers help after abortion.
Note: The organizations listed above are national groups that provide 24-hour hotlines for those seeking help. More resources are listed below and and on our pregnancy help page.
Please note: The services offered by help/healing groups are confidential and, in many cases, free. Inclusion in this list should not be taken as an endorsement of any group's programs or philosophy.
[ http://www.theunchoice.com/healing.htm ]