I want to share my story with women who have been thru or are thinking about abortion. I was married for 6 years and have a daughter who is now 5. I have been divorced 2 yrs and have had several relationships and have not used protection. This time I got pregnant. He was someone younger than me and not ready for a "family".
He enjoyed the idea at first, we chose names and looked for a place to live. Three weeks later he changed his mind! Imagine how easy it is for guys to just decide they don't want to be a Dad!! AMAZING!
Well after trying to get him to talk to me and having him ignore and turn me away, I had to decided what to do, he threatened taking my baby and threatened my family. He obviously was not "right." I made the hardest choice of my life. My family and friends knew everyone knew about my pregnancy, including my five-year-old. How do I explain this? I will never forget my trip to the clinic. My mom took me and my family was all supportive but yet I felt alone, I had named this child and the week before I was planning its future and now I was planning the end of this child's life.
Everyone there was kind and understanding, I was so scared I didn't believe in abortion and outside this woman was yelling at me…it was terrifying. I remember sitting in the room waiting to be "next", the sounds were awful the machine running — oh how I wanted to run so fast and leave with my baby, I remember my ultrasound, I asked the tech. if I could see the picture, she looked at me funny, I need to see it I said. There was my baby so tiny, so helpless the one and only time I would see him or her.
After everything was over I woke up in a room with other women and girls who had just come out from the "procedure". I cried, my mom came over to recovery and we were leaving and she asked me how I felt and I said relieved! Is this what it feels like to kill a baby? I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I hated myself, I hated HIM for putting me thru this for being immature and a coward. I wanted him to feel the pain, the loss and the guilt of what we had done, instead he is out playing with his friends. How ironic it takes to people to make a life, but yet one suffers the loss.
I told selected friends and family what had happened, everyone else was told it was a miscarriage. I condemned myself enough and didn't want to be labeled. I told my five-year-old that the baby had died, she told me well Mommy he is an Angel now and has w ings, he gets to fly! She understands death but couldn't understand this too well because she had no "real" part of the pregnancy. One day I will sit down with her and tell her the truth. What some people have a hard time with is the fact that you just don't forget. You always remember, you always will regret and you always will long for that child and wonder what he or she would have become. I would be 7.5 months pregnant right now. Sometimes I hear my baby crying. I feel empty. I have one child and I love her so much and she went thru so much with her dad. Sometimes I wish I would have been stronger and braver to do th is alone. The "father" believes that I had a miscarriage as well, now throwing the rumor I was never pregnant, I suppose that is his way of dealing with the guilt? I have seen him since and I get this ill feeling so sick, I want him to feel the pain. I miss my baby, I long to see him feel him hold him and kiss his little head, I will forever long for that child. Through this I have learned that I am not invincible and I learned a hard, horrible lesson. I take all precautions and fear sex actually and th e idea of being close to someone again. Thank you for taking time to read my story.
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